I never did share why I do this...

One might call this an introduction

There are quite a few of you here and I realise i never really introduced myself to those who don’t know me from other platforms.

I really love substack and want to make it work for me and so i guess it’s only right to give a little intro.

I’m 32 years old and most of the time forget. Maybe it’s not important anymore but it is important in relation to my love of food and cooking.

I don’t have one of those romantic, ‘i’ve always loved food and cooking’ kind of stories. In fact, my relationship with food has always been pretty complicated. A mix of texture sensitivity, body dysmorphia and disordered eating led to a very complex mix of feelings and behaviours around food. I mean, I’m a 90’s child and we all know what that was like!

I am the roundest of my sisters, I have three sisters all thin and/or tall and i was stockier and rounder. I don’t say this in a self deprecating way, it is simply the reality. As an adolescent and a young adult, this caused me many issues and it was easiest to use food as my way to either cope or way out. cue, disordered eating and emotional eating. These behaviours still follow me but i’m working it through.

Anyway, my lack of love of food meant that I didn’t like to eat at other people’s homes and would not go or would make excuses to not eat. It meant that if i wanted to eat I had to cook my own food. What started as self serving (slight self preservation) became people pleasing as i realised i was capable of creating some pretty yummy things.

People pleasing wasn’t it though because I felt like my kitchen was a restaurant and that wasn’t what I wanted either. As I got older i realised that what felt like people pleasing was actually an expression of love. I wanted to make the people I love happy. I’m not particularly tactile and often would struggle with the vulnerability of showing physical affection, but feed people to show them I love them? I can do that without a doubt.

My mum died very suddenly 3 years ago and shortly after my brother in law who was like my brother passed too. Food became a crutch and feeding my family became the way to make sure everyone survived the emotional turmoil of grief.

The dopamine hit from food in moments of sadness can be great but it isn’t necessarily healthy, trust me, after a while the food will make you sad because its often not filled with anything good! I’ve stopped seeking dopamine from the food itself and it comes from the sharing food and recipes with you all. I adore sharing my skill and developing recipes and ideas.

Being able to feed people in this way has definitely helped with my food beliefs and behaviours and being able to nurture my body has helped with my weight issues and body image too.

I am a huge believer in the power of community and in human connection, this for me, is nurtured through food. Literal or virtual breaking of bread. I hope to do that with you all here too!

So if you’re a food lover, a food discoverer, someone navigating food behaviours or complex emotions, I hope you’ll hang around as i continue to share more recipes and food ideas with you. We’re gonna have a good time.

If you have any questions, please pop them below! I would love to answer!

And if you haven’t already, subscribe would ya!

All my love,

Illiyin